The Evil Seductress Smart Car

Today very big day for Achmed! I finally go America for job at H1-B Visa Company! Achmed friend, Dude-name-of-Stan in Detroit, agree pick Achmed up at airport. And he have “smart car!” He says his car very smart—smarter than Achmed!

I very excited meet very smart car that smarter than Achmed! But when Dude-name-of-Stan come pick up Achmed, car not look so smart. Car look like car! Has wheel, door—all car stuff Achmed see on not-so-smart car.

Achmed begin think Dude-name-of-Stan bit crazy when he hand Achmed special bracelet. Says special bracelet help smart car get know Achmed! But when I put bracelet on, nothing special happen. Maybe car not like Achmed?

Dude-name-of-Stan say he take Achmed to hotel, but first must make stop at friend’s farm. Achmed like farm. Remind Achmed of home: The field, the big sky, the beautiful animals—very beautiful animals. Especially the sheep. Achmed like sheep. Like sheep very much. And at farm of friend of Dude-name-of-Stan there are very many beautiful sheep. So shiny and smooth and sleek.

Achmed wait long time in smart car watching sheep. Then very strange thing happen. Smart car begin talk Achmed! It say, “Sir, you seem stressed. Your pulse rate is elevated, as is your blood pressure. I will attempt to help you relax”.

Then smart car seat start MOVING! It poke at Achmed shoulder and make buzzy feeling in Achmed backside! And it get warm! Maybe car not not like Achmed! Maybe car like Achmed too much!

Achmed tell smart car to stop buzzing backside and poking shoulder. I yell, “Stop, you bad car company smart car!” Then smart car say, “Now Playing: Bad Company”, and start speaking naughty things to Achmed! It say, “I Feel Like Making Love” over and over again!

But Achmed very pious man. I has many loving wifes (and sheep) back in Waziristan. Achmed not be seduced by evil, infidel smart car! Achmed will teach evil, infidel smart car lesson!

Then I smite evil, infidel smart car many, many times—with hand, with feets, with big rocks from side of road. Achmed keep smiting until evil, infidel seductress smart car stop love-making chant. And when Dude-name-of-Stand return, Achmed tell him about bad smart car and how try make Achmed not pious!

Achmed now refuse ride any further in devil-car, and I wait long time by side of road before nice man with sheep truck allow Achmed ride back with sheep. Was then very nice journey to hotel.

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Quinn Dombrowski