Goodbye, America!

Today was very strange day for Achmed. Now I in America to work for H1-B Visa Company (“It’s everywhere I want to be”) and good friend “dude from Detroit name of Stan” invite Achmed to big rally for “next President of United States”. Achmed very excited to see big man at rally. Back in Waziristan, Achmed big man in village. Achmed village also have big rally, but there villagers rally for new beheadings at football stadium (always big, big crowd).

But now Achmed with good friend Stan at big President rally. Everyone very excited to see new big man President and hear about big plans to “Make America Great Again”. After much music and other speaker who not big man leave stage, Achmed see new big man come on stage and begin talk.

He not talk long because I, Achmed Tashnab, a pious man of faith, know this big man! It is “smoochy face” man with funny hair from Chat Roulette! People of big rally not know this and clap hands loudly for this big, bad man. But I not clap. I do what any good, pious man must do. I stand up and shout, “That NOT big man! That smoochy face! He make kissy-kissy noise and touch self on Achmed computer! He VERY bad man! VERY, VERY BAD!”

I keep yelling and pointing finger, but then big, burly men grab Achmed and wrestle to ground. Big, burly men all wearing nice suits and talking into shirt-cuffs (like Achmed uncle in Tora Bora he hear too many bombs fall and go crazy, too). I try explain how “smoochy face” was bad man from Achmed computer but they not listen. Instead, burly men take Achmed to small room with no window and ask many question. With each answer, burly men get more serious with Achmed.

They say they not like that Achmed from Waziristan. They say they not like that Achmed view big man on computer. And they say they not like that Achmed travel long way to America and come to big man rally. Then burly men take Achmed from small room without window and put on plane with some other dude from Egypt. Other dude want be pilot but said bad thing about “smooch face” man on the Face Book. So they send him home like Achmed.

Now I back in Waziristan. Family very happy see Achmed home from America (much dancing!). I email good friend “dude from Detroit name of Stan” and tell him story about burly men. I tell him I worried that H1-B Visa Company (“It’s everywhere I want to be”) will not give Achmed job again! But Stan say, “no worries good friend ‘Zuckerberg’ making sure everyone can work for H1-B Visa Company!”

So now Achmed wait and hope “smoochy face” not get be President and stop all good, pious Muslims (like Achmed!) from coming America in future. Meantime, Achmed have much extra time on hand.

Hmmm…wonder who is on Chat Roulette right now?

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Joe Wilcox