Goodbye, America!

Today was very strange day for Achmed. Now I in America to work for H1-B Visa Company (“It’s everywhere I want to be”) and good friend “dude from Detroit name of Stan” invite Achmed to big rally for “next President of United States”. Achmed very excited to see big man at rally. Back in Waziristan, Achmed big man in village. Achmed village also have big rally, but there villagers rally for new beheadings at football stadium (always big, big crowd).

But now Achmed with good friend Stan at big President rally. Everyone very excited to see new big man President and hear about big plans to “Make America Great Again”. After much music and other speaker who not big man leave stage, Achmed see new big man come on stage and begin talk.

He not talk long because I, Achmed Tashnab, a pious man of faith, know this big man! It is “smoochy face” man with funny hair from Chat Roulette! People of big rally not know this and clap hands loudly for this big, bad man. But I not clap. I do what any good, pious man must do. I stand up and shout, “That NOT big man! That smoochy face! He make kissy-kissy noise and touch self on Achmed computer! He VERY bad man! VERY, VERY BAD!”

I keep yelling and pointing finger, but then big, burly men grab Achmed and wrestle to ground. Big, burly men all wearing nice suits and talking into shirt-cuffs (like Achmed uncle in Tora Bora he hear too many bombs fall and go crazy, too). I try explain how “smoochy face” was bad man from Achmed computer but they not listen. Instead, burly men take Achmed to small room with no window and ask many question. With each answer, burly men get more serious with Achmed.

They say they not like that Achmed from Waziristan. They say they not like that Achmed view big man on computer. And they say they not like that Achmed travel long way to America and come to big man rally. Then burly men take Achmed from small room without window and put on plane with some other dude from Egypt. Other dude want be pilot but said bad thing about “smooch face” man on the Face Book. So they send him home like Achmed.

Now I back in Waziristan. Family very happy see Achmed home from America (much dancing!). I email good friend “dude from Detroit name of Stan” and tell him story about burly men. I tell him I worried that H1-B Visa Company (“It’s everywhere I want to be”) will not give Achmed job again! But Stan say, “no worries good friend ‘Zuckerberg’ making sure everyone can work for H1-B Visa Company!”

So now Achmed wait and hope “smoochy face” not get be President and stop all good, pious Muslims (like Achmed!) from coming America in future. Meantime, Achmed have much extra time on hand.

Hmmm…wonder who is on Chat Roulette right now?

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Joe Wilcox

The Islamomopolitan Incident

It is here! It is here! I is so very, very excited! New copy of Islamomopolitan magazine has come to Achmed house by nice Postman on rickety old moped!

Islamomopolitan is magazine Acmed sisters all wait for each month with much anxiousness. Magazine tell Achmed sisters all about new styles (“Black—it’s the new black!”), managing their careers (“Know your place: Why men treat you like cattle”), makeup tips (“Covering up those stubborn acid burn marks”), and even parenting (“Six new designer suicide vests—send your little one out in style!”).

Of course, Achmed always read through first in case evil imperialist infidel swine publisher try trick Achmed sisters with bad thoughts. Just other day had to cut out photo of woman from Yemen (too much ankle) and another of young girl petting baby goat (no “gay kid porn” allowed in Achmed house).

As big brother, is important for Achmed make sure keep sisters pure. If not, they get crazy idea, like maybe want speak mind or (god forbid) drive Achmed car!

Silly, silly sisters with crazy idea—they make Achmed go crazy, too! And worse! Their silliness fill Achmed with evil, carnal thought! Damn you to hellfire, evil imperialist infidel swine publisher!

Now…where’s my goat? I NEED my goat! NOW!!!

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Adam Skalny

The Evil Seductress Smart Car

Today very big day for Achmed! I finally go America for job at H1-B Visa Company! Achmed friend, Dude-name-of-Stan in Detroit, agree pick Achmed up at airport. And he have “smart car!” He says his car very smart—smarter than Achmed!

I very excited meet very smart car that smarter than Achmed! But when Dude-name-of-Stan come pick up Achmed, car not look so smart. Car look like car! Has wheel, door—all car stuff Achmed see on not-so-smart car.

Achmed begin think Dude-name-of-Stan bit crazy when he hand Achmed special bracelet. Says special bracelet help smart car get know Achmed! But when I put bracelet on, nothing special happen. Maybe car not like Achmed?

Dude-name-of-Stan say he take Achmed to hotel, but first must make stop at friend’s farm. Achmed like farm. Remind Achmed of home: The field, the big sky, the beautiful animals—very beautiful animals. Especially the sheep. Achmed like sheep. Like sheep very much. And at farm of friend of Dude-name-of-Stan there are very many beautiful sheep. So shiny and smooth and sleek.

Achmed wait long time in smart car watching sheep. Then very strange thing happen. Smart car begin talk Achmed! It say, “Sir, you seem stressed. Your pulse rate is elevated, as is your blood pressure. I will attempt to help you relax”.

Then smart car seat start MOVING! It poke at Achmed shoulder and make buzzy feeling in Achmed backside! And it get warm! Maybe car not not like Achmed! Maybe car like Achmed too much!

Achmed tell smart car to stop buzzing backside and poking shoulder. I yell, “Stop, you bad car company smart car!” Then smart car say, “Now Playing: Bad Company”, and start speaking naughty things to Achmed! It say, “I Feel Like Making Love” over and over again!

But Achmed very pious man. I has many loving wifes (and sheep) back in Waziristan. Achmed not be seduced by evil, infidel smart car! Achmed will teach evil, infidel smart car lesson!

Then I smite evil, infidel smart car many, many times—with hand, with feets, with big rocks from side of road. Achmed keep smiting until evil, infidel seductress smart car stop love-making chant. And when Dude-name-of-Stand return, Achmed tell him about bad smart car and how try make Achmed not pious!

Achmed now refuse ride any further in devil-car, and I wait long time by side of road before nice man with sheep truck allow Achmed ride back with sheep. Was then very nice journey to hotel.

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Quinn Dombrowski

H1B Visa Confusion

Yesterday was very big day. Achmed fill out form for big job in America! Friend told Achmed about job with “H1B Visa” company (“it’s everywhere you want to be”). He said many big man in Valley of Silk want peoples like Achmed come America for working. Friend then tell Achmed to visit special website for apply.

Many question on web site for apply. Strange question. Like “did Achmed fell-on-any in past year?” But they not say what Achmed fell on! And “did Achmed take dungs?” Achmed never take dungs! Not from own family and not from neighbor family! Neighbor dungs is sacred in Achmed village (donkey dungs are most sacred of all)!

But strangest question was about Achmed love life: “Did Achmed ever travel Kingdom of Saud for take new wifes?” Achmed not need travel to find wifes! Achmed very big man in village! Achmed have choice of wifes, even wifes with all teeth! And much sacred donkey dungs as dowry!

In end, Achmed not take job from “H1B Visa” company. Everywhere Achmed want to be already in village! Also, Internet say America now very dangerous place cause crazy imperialist infidel swine kuffar all have guns! More guns even than Achmed Taliban cousins from next village! And drones, too!

Achmed much safer at home in peaceful Waziristan.

Peace be upon you,

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Mario Micklisch

Greek Man with Mouse Tail stole Achmed Online Friend!

Achmed very sad today. All online friend missing! Were there day last, but now gone!

As big man in village, Achmed has many online friend. Achmed has friend in Pakistan, friend in

Afghanistan, friend in Detroit name of Stan (he big man at local mosque—like Achmed!).

With online friend, Achmed has many adventures! We share video, music, picture—, many thing!

Achmed share with online friend wedding video. (Much dancing!)

Online friend share with Achmed beheading video! (Achmed not like but what to do?)

Achmed say to online friend, “that Shakira, she da bomb!” (Achmed like curvy girl.)

Online friend say to Achmed, “for Sharia, we make bomb!” (She not curvy but heavy-handed.)

Achmed show online friend picture sun setting far away. (Hard to see with sand in eye!)

Online friend show Achmed picture favorite gun AK! (He have many—47, but none for Achmed!)

But now friend all go away. Evil imperialist infidel swine Twitter man say “account closed”. Evil imperialist infidel swine Facebook man say “page not found”. And strange man in scary mask say “all your account are belong to us” (not sure he infidel, but very scary to simple man like Achmed).

So Achmed very sad today. Local phone man say “Anonymous” (scary man) to blame for friend all go away. Achmed think name sound like Greek man with tail of mouse. Maybe go to Greek man house and ask for friend back. But first, Achmed need boat—and Syrian passport.

Peace be Upon You

Achmed Tashnab

Photo Credit: Brian Rinker